Is this the greatest advert for selling a car EVER?

Image

 

OK, I found this and had to share it with you. So, a Texas guy is parting with his Jeep, and he decides to put it on Craigslist.

If it didn’t sell within the first few minutes of going online, I have no idea what is wrong with the world as his sales pitch is the greatest car advert of all time!

Check it out below – 

‘I should start by saying that if you are looking for a “Pajama party Barbie Jeep” you my friend, should keep looking. If you are looking for a short description of to the beast before you, I can offer you two words “MEAT & POTATOES”. This is the All American chariot of the free world.

You are not dealing with any ordinary, cookie cutter Jeep son. This thing was forged from a single block of all American Tungsten Steel. Real sturdy! From that day forward my life has never been the same. Winch yourself off that couch and see if you can handle this Jeep Wrangler Sahara.

So if you are looking for a rice burning hatch back, a solar powered liberal mobile, or even a Hyundai crossover keep on looking my friend this thing is a piece of red white and blue Americana Machinery.

This baby’s pulse is pumping 4.0 liters of uncensored raw fuel through her straight six nuclear power plant. And rest assured this is no metro feminine automatic. . .you command her to obey, with your calloused hand planted firmly on the shifter. And she will obey, the first time, every time. If you can’t handle your stick shifter, or reach the clutch pedal, you better not ferry skip over here wanting to test drive her. If you stall her out, you can count on getting hit in the face with a piece of re-bar and sent back where you came from.

It has A/C but are you kidding me….Really! If you want to blow the sweat off your brow, you do it the old fashioned way: doors off, top down. “What if it rains?”. . .You whiney bitch! I told you to stop reading. . . Any man who drives this beast doesn’t give a damn about rain. Not even skin melting acid rain, Cause he’s already dripping wet in blood, sweat, dip spit, and fish guts.

If you are looking for the kind of jeep that has to be pansy parked in the garage, so the “carpet doesn’t get wet and soggy” Then you should plant your Obama sticker on some Japanese piece of shit. Cause this thing has drain holes in the floor and rhino lined to let the blood drain out from the buffalo you just killed, with your bare hands. Because you are William Wallace from Braveheart and when you get home you can leave your “sissy sponge glove car wash kit” in the pink bucket it came in. Go ahead and spark up your 6000 psi heated pressure washer on the dually trailer in your man cave, cause you are Tim Gillespie and you can pressure wash your truck on the inside. She’s got rhino lined floors with a full roll cage in case that buffalo comes back to life while you’re doing 80 over some mountain pass or flooded river.

If you’re thinking about Mexican chrome bumpers for her, think again. The bumper bashers come hand forged in a blacksmith shop in Franklin County over a wood burnin fire, out of 4 inch well casing, and railroad tracks and then I welded em to the damn chassis. That way if you get deployed you can piggy back this war wagon on a deuce and a half and chain her down tight from the four corners, so you don’t lose her when your convoy gets hit by a taliband roadside suicide bomber.

And forget about putting one of those “It’s a Jeep Thing. . .You wouldn’t understand” stickers on this machine cause when you’re spotted in this American Classic there will be no questions, no further explanation required, people will understand and get out of your way. . …real quick.

If you think you’re ready to park this panty hauler on your tract of land. If you buy this jeep you better go get your old lady ready for some damn changes around your lair, cause this shit will be happening. What will be Happening? Glad you asked….

1. More chest hair.
2. You’re growing a beard.
3. Meat Only Diet.
4. T-Rex for a pet.
5. You’re taking a job at the lumber mill.
6. Your car carries five kegs.
7. Penis enlargement.
8. Catch more fish.
9. Wire bristled toothbrush.
10. Sex in the yard.
11. Sex in the garage.
12. All male offspring.
13. Chiseled jaw line.
14. Not giving a damn.
15. Flesh turning to steel.
16. Higher salary
17. Promotions.
18. Better looking wives.
19. Better looking mistresses.
20. More golfing
21. More killing stuff.
22. More dead animals in the KITCHEN freezer.
23. More tools in your garage.
24. Bigger TV
25. Wife takes out the trash
26. Four Wheel Drive
27. Wife brings trash can in from road.
28. Wife stops bitching about clothes on floor.
29. Wife stocks fridge with beer.
30. Chuck Norris.
31. John McCain
32. Steaks for dinner.
33. Winning the Lottery.
34. Women on the side.
35. Wrestling with bea
36. Building shit out of stone.
37. Riding Lawn Mower.
38. Bon Fires in cul-de-sac.
39. Bar Fights.
40. Wife picks you up from Thee Gentlemen’s Club.
41. Craftsman Tools.
42. Jay Bisset.
43. Welding stuff.
44. Digging holes.
45. Huge Piece of meat.

Put your GPS back in your purse.

Sounds good doesn’t it?

This jeep has carried me through 155,000 miles of battlefield twice as gruesome as the second half of the movie “300″. . ..And just like a trusty steed this juggernaut has never left me stranded. If you think you’ve worn her out you drag this beast back to me in any condition. And Ill handle the rest.

But if you think you’re going to get to whip this mule you better pony up Sixty Five Hundred Dollars. . .American Cash. I’m not selling you this car unless you are clearly a pure blooded American Species, so don’t even think about it.’

 

Advertisements

The Raid 2 trailer is here!

Image

So, back in 2011, an action film came out that blew everything else away. Hollywood blockbusters and their $100 million budgets, seasoned directors, action heroes, none of them could compete with the sheer awesomeness that was The Raid Redemption.

Did I forget to mention that the movie was made in Indonesia?

Set in a tower block, the movie was like nothing seen before, so it was of little surprise when a sequel was announced.

And here is the first trailer for the new Raid 2: Berandal movie, due out in 2014!

The Chinese know how to market Thor 2!

SPOILER ALERT!

The real reason that Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD is doing a crossover episode with the new Thor movie is because the brotherly love was never resolved, and Agent Coulson will now become Dr Phil, with a major therapy session and sit down with Odin regarding his upbringing of Thor and Loki, and how it has turned into a full blown relationship. And Natalie Portman is pregnant? Shame on you Thor!

Check out this Shanghai movie theater poster and all is revealed!

Image

Another night of chaos is on the cards! The Purge is getting a sequel!

Image

 

That’s right, for one more night, and depending on box office figures, possibly another after that, all emergency services are suspended.

The Purge is getting a sequel.

The movie, which followed the story that for one night a year all crime was legal, which for no realistic reason reduced crime for the rest of the year. Yeah, all crime is therefore pre-meditated. Whatever. Sorry, getting off track. Oh yeah, and followed Ethan Hawke and his family as they were held hostage by smiley faced masked businessmen wanting the fugitive in their house.

Not surprising when you consider that the movie made a modest $87 million and only cost $3 million to make.

The movie will be directed by James DeMonaco, who wrote and directed The Purge, and will begin shooting before the end of 2013!

The superpowers of Chronicle revealed! And the plot of the sequel!

Image

 

One of the best movies of last year was Chronicle. The story of three kids who found an underground glowing thing that gave them superpowers blew all other superhero movies away. Yes even Man of Steel, The Avengers and The Amazing Spiderman. Although most films kicked Spidey’s ass. God I miss Tobey Maguire.

Anyway, it was never revealed as to how the kids got their powers or what it was that gave them the ability to fly, blow cars away, levitate objects, and turn statues into skewers.

Until now.

Director Max Landis has finally revealed the secret hidden within the cave. And here it is –

The objects are called ‘Massive Organic Geoelectric Objects’ and they are described by Landis as “a race of crystalline organisms that communicate and propel themselves through radio waves, and turn higher life forms into telekinetic drones”.

So now we are all clear about this, and finally understand what happened in that cave we can all sleep easier now.

Oh and Landis also revealed his idea for the sequel, and said that a trilogy is possible, with the plot being “two embittered souls as antiheroes trying to catch the survivor from the first film”.

Here’s the death of Andrew for you to enjoy!

By pitchscript
Aside

For those of you who don’t live in the UK, tonight is Bonfire night, or Guy Fawkes night. And what happens tonight?

Fires, fireworks and sirens. And some faces and fingers blown off.

The Bonfire night tradition goes back to some time I can’t remember and involved a terrorist named Guy Fawkes who decided to blow up the Houses of Parliment and the British Government. And failed. And was then hung, drawn and quartered.

So we build fires in his memory, burn dolls of him on these fires, and set off fireworks all night long. For no reason whatsoever!

So, to make sure all of you have a safe Bonfire night, or whatever holiday you choose to set fires and fireworks off in your country, please listen to Fireman Sam and follow his every instruction or to quote Armageddon ‘Your wife will be opening your ketchup bottles for the rest of your life’!

There is also a video after Sam, but watch Sam first, no cheating, featuring some of the damage and fun that can be had with fireworks!

Firework safety – listen to Sam!

By pitchscript

New Wolverine movie in the works!

Image

 

Following the success of The Wolverine at this years box office, it grossed $413 million just to let you know, director James Mangold and Hugh Jackman are joining forces again for a new Wolverine movie.

No details on a plot or script have been released yet.

Seriously. Another Wolverine movie?

Doctor Who 50th episode plot revealed!

Image

 

That’s right all you Who fanatics, the synopsis for the special 50th Anniversary episode has been released.

The episode, titled ‘The Day Of The Doctor’ will be screened around the world at the same time, and is even being shown in cinemas in selected countries in 3D on the 23 November.

OK, so the plot goes like this –

“The Doctors embark on their greatest adventure in this 50th anniversary special.

“In 2013, something terrible is awakening in London’s National Gallery; in 1562, a murderous plot is afoot in Elizabethan England; and somewhere in space an ancient battle reaches its devastating conclusion. All of reality is at stake as the Doctor’s own dangerous past comes back to haunt him.”

I am still hopeful that at least 15 minutes of the episode involves Matt Smith getting his head shaved.

Here’s the trailer for it –

The new biggest movie of all time has just been greenlit – Lake Placid vs Anaconda!

Image

 

Yes they did. Forget your Batman vs Superman, Marvel Superhero crossovers, it doesn’t matter anymore. The people at the top of the food chain in the movie industry have just rocked the entire entertainment industry with the news that two of the biggest, literally, movie franchises are to face each other. 

Lake Placid, remember that movie about a giant crocodile from 1999 that was pretty good. You saw it once and thought, that was OK. Then they released about 17 sequels and you didn’t watch any of them. That one.

And Anaconda. That terrible movie about a giant snake that you thought was good because it had a sweaty Jennifer Lopez in it before she had been married 17 times and, Jon Voight was eaten whole by the giant snake. Which we all want to happen for real.

So. Yeah. They are coming together to face off in the biggest clash of nature ever. 

The movie is due to start shooting this December.

Why? Just why? 

Anyway, here’s Jon Voight getting eaten, and a sweaty J Lo, and Ice Cube with a bandana on! Now I know why!

 

Finally The Motley Crue movie will be made! Devil’s Horns in the Air Everybody!

Image

 

That’s right, the greatest novel of all time is to finally get the big screen treatment. 

The autobiography, from the best band of all time. Yes they are. And the wildest rockers of all time has been in the works for years now, but it looks like it is finally going to happen with Jackass and Bad Grandpa director Jeff Tremaine given the task of telling the story of sex, drugs, lots more drugs, alcohol, more sex, some more drugs, and even some music thrown in.

If you haven’t read the book or have no idea who Motley Crue are then I suggest you stop reading this post now, log off, and order it now. And then come back and tell me how it has changed your life, your view on music, and that you will now stop watching The X Factor, American Idol or whatever reality TV show you were planning on wasting your time on. 

And raise your Devil’s Horns in the air!

Whilst we await this, enjoy this! And remember to keep your hands raised in the air!