OK, we all know how bad the 80’s were for many reasons. Fashion for one, shoulder pads, braces, Frankie Says Relax T – shirts to name but a few. Music is another, with the decade giving us the likes of Paula Abdul, Rick Astley, who continues to haunt us now, and USA for Africa, which don’t get me wrong, was a noble cause, but was quite possibly the worst song ever. If you can top it please let me know.
And then there were the movies. Some of the worst performances ever were filmed in the 80’s. It was as if acting was a secondary requirement to being in a movie. You didn’t have to act, or even try. It was terrible. If the same roles and movies were made today, there would be a media bloodbath of the actor, movie, and director. How could this happen in 2013? We have come so far.
Yet looking back at some of the roles played by some of the biggest stars of the era, and how bad they were, makes me realise one thing. I actually loved those movies. And I think that if the characters were put into a movie today, they could form some sort of Avengers, only tougher, and the world would cower in their presence. And the soundtrack would be better. Imagine Never Surrender playing as the final battle commences! This is only a few of the characters I have decided to included, and will be doing a Justice League one tomorrow, with an alternate Expendables following. In the meanwhile revel in the greatest alternate Avengers of the 80’s!
Here they are!
5. DOLPH LUNDGREN – HE MAN – MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE – Seriously, it’s He – Man. And he is saving the world from Skeletor. Has Iron Man ever done that? Could he? Erm, no!
4. ROWDY RODDY PIPER – JOHN NADA – THEY LIVE – He has X -Ray glasses and is all out of bubblegum. He has a lumberjack shirt on! Who would mess with that combination?
3. JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME – KURT SLOANE – KICKBOXER – For two reasons, he kicked a tree for about 5 minutes, and that battle cry at the end! Hulk can shout all he wants, but nothing beats the battle cry of JCVD! And he does the splits! Does Iron Man? Erm, No!
2. SYLVESTER STALLONE – MARION ‘COBRA’ COBRETTI – Three point to note, 1, he had to grow up with the name Marion, which meant he had to fight all through school, honing his fighting skills and meaning he has a chip on his shoulder, making him angry all the time. 2, he wears sunglasses all day long, and night, meaning he has super eyesight now, and looks cooler than any of the Avengers,and 3, he goes shopping with a shotgun. How do you top that?
1. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER – JOHN MATRIX – COMMANDO – The leader of the 80′s Avengers for two reasons, he threw a metal pipe at the bad guy and it went through him. Really. That takes some skill, and throwing arm, and he took out an entire mansion of bad guys, without getting killed, in one scene. And mainly for the “let off some steam Bennett” line.