I have waited all Summer to watch this movie. Really. I wanted to go to the cinema to see it but just didn’t. Events came up, people were busy, I knew it wouldn’t be long until it came out and I could watch it in the privacy of my own home, one Saturday night, when the wife was out, my son was at his Grandparents for the night, I had taken the dog out for a long walk so she would be asleep all through the movie. Yeah, it was all prepared. The beer was in, had been chilled to ice cold perfection. I was ready.
Then I got a beer, the wife went out, the son went out, the dog went to sleep. Play. Then 2 hours 10 minutes later, here I am, wishing I had just wasted a weekday when I was bored. I mean, I may be alone in this, but I hope not, but that was CRAP.
I mean it was Iron Man 3. The movie to follow The Avengers. Everybody’s favorite Avenger. The wise cracking, bad ass with an arsenal of weapons at his disposal. He had just, the previous Summer, carried a nuclear missile into outer space to destroy an alien mothership, and that was after taking down a giant alien whale looking thing by flying inside it and making the thing explode from inside out. The man who helped the Hulk calm down. Who in the Iron Man movie, fought Mickey Rourke.
And what do we get for 2 hours and 10 mins? Well Tony Stark has panic attacks, befriends a child, and some of the worst locations for set pieces in all of $200 million dollar budget movie history. Oh, and the main parts of Tony Stark being in the Iron Man suit involving him sitting in various chairs with his legs crossed, and answering the door.
And don’t even get me started on the bad guys. The villain of the show, who you think might just save the movie from being that bad, don’t worry I won’t spoil it for you, well there’s a twist there that just ruined everything I found enjoyable about the movie up to that point.
Then there’s the set pieces, the big Summer blockbuster action movie focal point. Where the money is spent. Where normally the trailer shows you the best parts to get you to see it, then there are some lesser ones which are still usually OK, or even try to be so you give them credit for it. No, not Iron Man 3. The attack on Tony Stark’s mansion looks really good, awesome in fact. Trailer worthy, so they put it in there, getting your attention. Yet watch it in the movie and it reads like ‘This is Tony Stark, Iron Man, I just saved the world from an alien invasion. Send 3 helicopters and I will not be able to defeat you.’ And they follow it up with, and again I will not spoil it for you, a set piece in a small town in Tennessee, and at a shipping dock. A shipping dock. No major city getting destroyed, no world in peril. Some remote location with a big ship might get destroyed. No civilians in danger, no bomb to stop. The President is in danger, I will give it that, however this is a President who has spent a total of maybe 3 minutes on screen, so I don’t care. I haven’t got to know him, learned exactly why the bad guys care so much about him, except for the obvious plot involving the President of the USA, and terrorism. Which sums up a total of maybe a hundred movies I have seen before.
Then there are the bad guys ‘Special Abilities’, which again I will not disclose if you are reading this, and if you are and still plan on watching the movie, and I hope you enjoy it more than me, involve for some partly explained reason being able to be a) tougher than Iron Man, and I mean all of the bad guys, not just the super villain, and b) more than a match for Iron Man than a God from another dimension, his brother, an alien invasion, a nuclear missile, and Mickey Rourke with electric whips. And we are never told why they are this tough.
Seriously. To sum it up I will put this on par with, and compare it to The Dark Knight Rises, the franchise has been established, the director and producers want to make the character darker, more human, do some soul searching before they rise up again to be triumphant. But in my eyes, can they not spend the first half hour of the movie doing that, then fight some bad guys, because the other way just bores me!